Really. Sticky. Questions.

It’s time to let out all those icky nasties you’ve been hiding! And good gravy do you have a lot of them.

Uninviting guests, too-hot bridesmaids, raging alcoholic relatives… I feel so much better about my life now that I've seen that you’re just about as dysfunctional as I am.

Names and details have been COMPLETELY left out… because as the writer of this blog I reserve the right to keep the juicy tid-bits to myself.

My sister is wearing the ugliest dress to my wedding- and its WHITE. She says its cream but I don’t care. How do I get her to wear something else?  

One word.

BRIDESMAID.

Then you pick the dress. Make it an ugly one.

I got into a really big fight with my friend and I think the friendship is over. I don’t want her to come to my wedding and I don’t really know if she would show up out of spite. How can I tell her I don’t want her to come without making the fight worse? I don’t want to look like the bitch.

Well, you’re the bride so you can be all the bitch you want. But if you’re going to handle this tactfully, it’s going to take two things: self-control and seriously. Huge. Cahones.

Miss Manners would tell you to do this in person. I’m going to tell you to do this over the phone. (Miss manners is out of touch with the realm of eye-ball scratching sorority sisters)

First- are you sure? She’s kind of you BFF and this is the biggest day of your life. This will most likely end your relationship until the end of time. So… think about it.

If you’re still on board, call her when you know she’ll answer. Tell her you think it’s best if she skips the wedding and you’d like to catch up with her after the event to talk things over. Then get off the phone as quickly as possible, change the locks, set the car alarm, and stay away from windows and stairs for the next 30 days or so.

I don’t drink and I don’t want to serve liquor at my wedding. Everyone is telling me that I have to but why should I if I don’t drink? I don’t want to pay for everyone to get drunk. Should I do a cash bar to compromise?

You do whatever the hell you want. If anyone tells you that you MUST serve liquor then you tell them they MUST stop by the nearest AA meeting in a hurry. A wedding is not a frat party, it’s a wedding. (I know, shocking).

If not drinking is big on your list, then do not compromise. Don’t compromise ever for that matter.

If you don’t want liquor because you’re afraid you’ll be the designated driver for 150 guests, then just have a cocktail hour before dinner and close the bar before the salads come out.

My mom re-married when I was a kid and I’m really close with my step-dad. I really love my real dad too but my mom is paying for the wedding and she wants my step-dad to give me away. I really want both my dads to do it but I’m scared that she’ll cut off the money if I do that. But I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. I’m really lost and I don’t know how to make everyone happy.

This comes up a lot and girls are always ready to tear their hair out and cry in the corner over it. But I have three options for you- so save your scalping for another day.

1)      Have mom give you away. She did birth you after all, so she has seniority over pretty much any other living person.

2)      Have a sibling give you away. Brothers and sisters know you better than anyone.

3)      Be a bad ass chick and give yourself away. Who the hell says anyone needs to walk you down the aisle? You've been walking quite functionally down hallways and such for an acceptable amount of time, right? Then you can handle this too. Trust me, it works out beautifully- I should know!

Me and the Mariachi Band

 My friend is really pretty, way prettier than me. I don’t want her in the wedding because everyone will look at her instead of me. What should I tell her?

Tell her you’re sorry but you’re just too bat-shit crazy to figure out that by default the bride is always the prettiest person at the wedding.

Come on, seriously? Let’s not do this. If she’s your friend and you love her, then have her in your wedding. Put her in a potato sack if it makes you feel better.  

Feel better now? Great, me too. Let’s all eat some cake to celebrate. And keep the emails coming ladies- I promise to only post them if you want me to. Otherwise your secrets are safe with me!

Nest time: Absolutely insane crap I’ve written while intoxicated and saved to totally random places on my computer. (Doc named: “Douche bags you meet in a bar” Found in folder:  “2010 tax returns”)

I was hoping to have it ready today, but sadly they’re just so damn incoherent I may have to take a few shots to decode them. 

Save the date, for free cake! How to make kick-ass save-the-date cards that won't get lost on the fridge.

This blog has given me the chance to meet lots of other brides to be, who email me their own stories of wedding planning disasters and questions about my plans as well. After my blog on etiquette I got numerous emails on save-the-dates, so I thought it was worth posting a little blog about them here.

Should your save the date match your wedding theme?

Well, that’s up to you. Personally I think the save-the-date stands on its own, so you can go a little bananas with it. You’re mailing them out well before you have the bulk of your plans set in stone anyways.

What is the layout for a save-the-date?

About 99.9% of save the dates I see follow this format:

It’s basically a business card glued to a sheet magnet, and I don’t recommend it. It’s just too small to layout all the information you need, and it’ll get lost on the fridge. They’re also more expensive since you have to pay for all the magnets, which you’ll have to attach to the cards yourself.  That in itself is no small feat- it once took me over 2 hours to perfectly align 250 magnets to little business cards for a save-the-date order, and I can never get back those 2 hours of my life.

Your best bet is postcard sized cardstock, and skip the magnet. The larger size gives you more room to put the important stuff on the card. If you’re a super stealthy tiger bride on a budget, I’d skip the picture too. It’s cute, but pricy. And I don’t need your smiling faces staring me down when I’m raiding the fridge at midnight for snacks.

   

What information goes on a save-the-date?

Glad you asked.

Who

What

When

Website (If you’re using one)

“Formal invitation to follow”

Put all that stuff on the card in that order, and you're good to go:

Save the date- for free cake!

Judy and Mike

are saying "I do!"

June 10, 2011

Formal invitation to follow

If half or more of your guests will need to travel for the wedding, I'd recommend adding the location as well. 

Judy and Mike's dreams will come true

at Cinderellas Castle when they say "I do!"

Walt Disney World, Florida

June 10, 2011

Formal invitation to follow

Cheesy, right? That's my niche. 

Anyways if you can’t fit all that on the card, then pick something bigger.

What did your save the dates look like and did you make them yourself?

I designed my save the dates using an online printing company. There are so many to choose from you can honestly just Google it. Find one that allows you an insane amount of freedom with font and placement. You really just want the card stock from the company. Save-the-dates are super easy to design, so have a little faith in your abilities and just design them yourself. It’s cheaper, and you can buy lots of flip-flops for the summer with all the cash you'll save.

For our save the dates, I needed something a little different. This is a destination wedding, so I need my guests to ACTUALLY READ THE FREAKING CARD. Honestly when I get a save the date I read the names and the date, and then if it’s a magnet I use it to stick NFL schedules to the fridge. If I need more information than that, then something on that little card better scream it at me. It better be bright, colorful, or just different in some way. You want me to go to your wedding website? Then it better be in a large enough font for me to actually read the web address.

So after Jose laid down the sledge hammer on my first four designs, I came up with this one:

It’s a 4x8 inch card, almost the size of a plane ticket. Jose was very clear that he did not want anything cheesy, hot pink or generally girlie and/or bizarre, so I had to come up with some other way to grab peoples attention. The odd-sized card was a good fit. 

It not only lists the standard information, but also tells guests where the wedding is. I added this info on the side of the card to make it stand on its own since I really needed my guests to see it. It took me all of an hour to design, and my guests really liked them.

So now you know the steps: Google, postcard, important info, attention-grabbing. That wasn’t too painful, right?

Happy Planning J

You are what you write. And then mail to 150 of your closest friends and family.

 After my recent post about a lack of bridesmaids, I’ve had more than a few people congratulate me on my ability to be a bride without gaining any (new) psychotic tendencies.

First of all, I’m shocked that anyone reads this crap. Second, I would like to assure you that I am just as neurotic and unbalanced as ever. I just focus my manic behavior on the one area I know well- etiquette. 

But why do I know anything about etiquette? Well, many years ago I had the perfect job- I worked at a party store. Working in a party store makes every day super-fantastic and fixes any problem. Here’s a fun example for you:

When you’re 19 years old, anything and everything can push you into a disastrous and life-crushing emotional tailspin. But when you just got your period and there’s no fudge pops left in the fridge, there’s no need to hold the empty box while sobbing hysterically in the fetal position on the kitchen floor (true story). Just pick yourself up, go to work, and hang out in the sympathy card aisle. Read 10 to 15 cards and you’ll feel right as rain.

Thank you Hallmark, you understand my loss. I appreciate your concern during my time of need. For fudge pops.

So for this and many other reasons, I really enjoyed that job. I loved it so much that I even went back years later to work in their invitation department. As part of my training, I had to read “Crane’s Blue Book of Social Stationary” and Emily Posts book “Etiquette”, both bursting at the seams with mind numbing formalities and social graces. I would equate reading them to suffering a slow painful death via eye-gouging with a dull spoon.

But I did learn a lot, and because of that I’m pretty anal retentive about social etiquette.  I’ve also developed a few pet peeves when it comes to invitations. For example: If you’re getting married in a church, you need a semi-formal invitation. I don’t care if your theme is glitter, sunshine, and springtime-y colors. That’s just weird, and that’s just for the reception. The invitation is for, first and foremost, the wedding ceremony. And it’s very cute that you call your grandparents Me-maw and Pop-pop. But the post office doesn’t agree, so just stick to Mr. and Mrs. on the envelope. Please.

For the most part I’m able to contain my manic episodes of unwanted Dear Abby impressions. But my upcoming nuptials have me reading a lot more blogs on the subject of weddings. And if I see one more blog listed “How do I write- I don’t want gifts I just want money- on my invitations????” I just might lose my shit. 

So, dear friends, do not worry. I am just as mentally fogged up as any other bride. But to keep me from falling into a complete psychosis, I ask that you refrain from doing anything exceptionally stupid in writing. At least until September.

Jessica’s five easy rules for invitation etiquette:

1)      The people financing the wedding are considered the hosts of the event. They need to be properly listed on the invitation. Nobody wants to be the anonymous donor of your pretty pretty princess party.

2)      If you have military/doctors/lawyers/anyone with a title on your guest list (and they use their title), you need to list them as such on the outer envelope. To not do so is extremely rude; they paid a lot of money for those little letters in front of their name. So if you come from a family if over-achievers, print your guest list and visit a stationary store for help. Don’t use a book- the rules get confusing.

3)      Your paper, printing process, and wording should reflect the formality of the event. Always. Don’t you dare use evite or facebook to invite anyone to your wedding. (Jose)

4)      Order RSVP cards. We all know that you are super-techno savvy and can RSVP on a wedding website via laptop, smart phone, and your office computer. But great aunt Matilda isn’t quite there yet. So just order a few RSVP cards and send them to the guests who need them. That would mean anyone who owns a VCR, calls a refrigerator an “ice box”, or mails you a check for $5.00 on your birthday.

5)      Never ever ever list anything that even hints at a gift registry on anything you print for your wedding. EVER. If you do I will hunt you down and take a red marker to every piece of paper you have, including your paystubs and birth certificate. When Macy’s gives you enclosure cards to add to your invites you take those cards and throw them in the recycling bin. Then call Macy’s headquarters and tell them to stop wasting trees on idiotic little cards. Registries should really only be told by word of mouth (bridesmaids). But if you really want to, list it on your website.