You are what you write. And then mail to 150 of your closest friends and family.

 After my recent post about a lack of bridesmaids, I’ve had more than a few people congratulate me on my ability to be a bride without gaining any (new) psychotic tendencies.

First of all, I’m shocked that anyone reads this crap. Second, I would like to assure you that I am just as neurotic and unbalanced as ever. I just focus my manic behavior on the one area I know well- etiquette. 

But why do I know anything about etiquette? Well, many years ago I had the perfect job- I worked at a party store. Working in a party store makes every day super-fantastic and fixes any problem. Here’s a fun example for you:

When you’re 19 years old, anything and everything can push you into a disastrous and life-crushing emotional tailspin. But when you just got your period and there’s no fudge pops left in the fridge, there’s no need to hold the empty box while sobbing hysterically in the fetal position on the kitchen floor (true story). Just pick yourself up, go to work, and hang out in the sympathy card aisle. Read 10 to 15 cards and you’ll feel right as rain.

Thank you Hallmark, you understand my loss. I appreciate your concern during my time of need. For fudge pops.

So for this and many other reasons, I really enjoyed that job. I loved it so much that I even went back years later to work in their invitation department. As part of my training, I had to read “Crane’s Blue Book of Social Stationary” and Emily Posts book “Etiquette”, both bursting at the seams with mind numbing formalities and social graces. I would equate reading them to suffering a slow painful death via eye-gouging with a dull spoon.

But I did learn a lot, and because of that I’m pretty anal retentive about social etiquette.  I’ve also developed a few pet peeves when it comes to invitations. For example: If you’re getting married in a church, you need a semi-formal invitation. I don’t care if your theme is glitter, sunshine, and springtime-y colors. That’s just weird, and that’s just for the reception. The invitation is for, first and foremost, the wedding ceremony. And it’s very cute that you call your grandparents Me-maw and Pop-pop. But the post office doesn’t agree, so just stick to Mr. and Mrs. on the envelope. Please.

For the most part I’m able to contain my manic episodes of unwanted Dear Abby impressions. But my upcoming nuptials have me reading a lot more blogs on the subject of weddings. And if I see one more blog listed “How do I write- I don’t want gifts I just want money- on my invitations????” I just might lose my shit. 

So, dear friends, do not worry. I am just as mentally fogged up as any other bride. But to keep me from falling into a complete psychosis, I ask that you refrain from doing anything exceptionally stupid in writing. At least until September.

Jessica’s five easy rules for invitation etiquette:

1)      The people financing the wedding are considered the hosts of the event. They need to be properly listed on the invitation. Nobody wants to be the anonymous donor of your pretty pretty princess party.

2)      If you have military/doctors/lawyers/anyone with a title on your guest list (and they use their title), you need to list them as such on the outer envelope. To not do so is extremely rude; they paid a lot of money for those little letters in front of their name. So if you come from a family if over-achievers, print your guest list and visit a stationary store for help. Don’t use a book- the rules get confusing.

3)      Your paper, printing process, and wording should reflect the formality of the event. Always. Don’t you dare use evite or facebook to invite anyone to your wedding. (Jose)

4)      Order RSVP cards. We all know that you are super-techno savvy and can RSVP on a wedding website via laptop, smart phone, and your office computer. But great aunt Matilda isn’t quite there yet. So just order a few RSVP cards and send them to the guests who need them. That would mean anyone who owns a VCR, calls a refrigerator an “ice box”, or mails you a check for $5.00 on your birthday.

5)      Never ever ever list anything that even hints at a gift registry on anything you print for your wedding. EVER. If you do I will hunt you down and take a red marker to every piece of paper you have, including your paystubs and birth certificate. When Macy’s gives you enclosure cards to add to your invites you take those cards and throw them in the recycling bin. Then call Macy’s headquarters and tell them to stop wasting trees on idiotic little cards. Registries should really only be told by word of mouth (bridesmaids). But if you really want to, list it on your website.