It’s time to let out all those icky nasties you’ve been hiding! And good gravy do you have a lot of them.
Uninviting guests, too-hot bridesmaids, raging alcoholic relatives… I feel so much better about my life now that I've seen that you’re just about as dysfunctional as I am.
Names and details have been COMPLETELY left out… because as the writer of this blog I reserve the right to keep the juicy tid-bits to myself.
My sister is wearing the ugliest dress to my wedding- and its WHITE. She says its cream but I don’t care. How do I get her to wear something else?
One word.
BRIDESMAID.
Then you pick the dress. Make it an ugly one.
I got into a really big fight with my friend and I think the friendship is over. I don’t want her to come to my wedding and I don’t really know if she would show up out of spite. How can I tell her I don’t want her to come without making the fight worse? I don’t want to look like the bitch.
Well, you’re the bride so you can be all the bitch you want. But if you’re going to handle this tactfully, it’s going to take two things: self-control and seriously. Huge. Cahones.
Miss Manners would tell you to do this in person. I’m going to tell you to do this over the phone. (Miss manners is out of touch with the realm of eye-ball scratching sorority sisters)
First- are you sure? She’s kind of you BFF and this is the biggest day of your life. This will most likely end your relationship until the end of time. So… think about it.
If you’re still on board, call her when you know she’ll answer. Tell her you think it’s best if she skips the wedding and you’d like to catch up with her after the event to talk things over. Then get off the phone as quickly as possible, change the locks, set the car alarm, and stay away from windows and stairs for the next 30 days or so.
I don’t drink and I don’t want to serve liquor at my wedding. Everyone is telling me that I have to but why should I if I don’t drink? I don’t want to pay for everyone to get drunk. Should I do a cash bar to compromise?
You do whatever the hell you want. If anyone tells you that you MUST serve liquor then you tell them they MUST stop by the nearest AA meeting in a hurry. A wedding is not a frat party, it’s a wedding. (I know, shocking).
If not drinking is big on your list, then do not compromise. Don’t compromise ever for that matter.
If you don’t want liquor because you’re afraid you’ll be the designated driver for 150 guests, then just have a cocktail hour before dinner and close the bar before the salads come out.
My mom re-married when I was a kid and I’m really close with my step-dad. I really love my real dad too but my mom is paying for the wedding and she wants my step-dad to give me away. I really want both my dads to do it but I’m scared that she’ll cut off the money if I do that. But I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. I’m really lost and I don’t know how to make everyone happy.
This comes up a lot and girls are always ready to tear their hair out and cry in the corner over it. But I have three options for you- so save your scalping for another day.
1) Have mom give you away. She did birth you after all, so she has seniority over pretty much any other living person.
2) Have a sibling give you away. Brothers and sisters know you better than anyone.
3) Be a bad ass chick and give yourself away. Who the hell says anyone needs to walk you down the aisle? You've been walking quite functionally down hallways and such for an acceptable amount of time, right? Then you can handle this too. Trust me, it works out beautifully- I should know!
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| Me and the Mariachi Band |
My friend is really pretty, way prettier than me. I don’t want her in the wedding because everyone will look at her instead of me. What should I tell her?
Tell her you’re sorry but you’re just too bat-shit crazy to figure out that by default the bride is always the prettiest person at the wedding.
Come on, seriously? Let’s not do this. If she’s your friend and you love her, then have her in your wedding. Put her in a potato sack if it makes you feel better.
Feel better now? Great, me too. Let’s all eat some cake to celebrate. And keep the emails coming ladies- I promise to only post them if you want me to. Otherwise your secrets are safe with me!
Nest time: Absolutely insane crap I’ve written while intoxicated and saved to totally random places on my computer. (Doc named: “Douche bags you meet in a bar” Found in folder: “2010 tax returns”)
I was hoping to have it ready today, but sadly they’re just so damn incoherent I may have to take a few shots to decode them.
