Yes, it’s been half past forever and I promise I’m still alive. It took me three days just to filter through my emails. I almost see the light of day.
So while I work on some of the more complex issues you’ve sent me- like uninviting guests and parents with multiple marriages to their name…. here’s some of the quick questions I’ve been sent recently.
“Where are you and what are you doing?”
Well I’ve been right here doing those idiotic things that I usually do. Mostly going to school and work- and usually failing at both. Strange but true, school actually takes some effort. Well, some for normal people and a hell of a lot more for those mildly retarded souls such as myself. Work just requires a self-depreciating sense of humor and a well-hidden flask. So I’d say it’s the education thing that’s kept me away for so long. Sorry about that.
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| My kitchen chalkboard |
“Tell me a quick story”
Jose and I spent a weekend at the beach with my parents- in November. If you’ve never been to the beach in November I’d recommend not starting now. We were the youngest people there by at least 20 years and quickly realized that people just go there to die in the cold months.
We brought Sadie along for the trip (the dog), who immediately and violently attacked my mothers lap dog upon entering the beach house. Then ate all her food. And crapped on the floor. And spend the next three hours in a glazed over state of confusion, shaking and foaming at the mouth while staring at the ocean.
The TV only got one channel and internet/phone/civilization access was non-existent at best. But dad did make chili and the freezer was stocked with booze… So I’d call the weekend a success. And the dog eventually recovered from her psychosis, which is always a plus.
There you have it, a short story AND a happy ending. That’s how much I love you.
“I saw on Wedding Wire that you are a minister. Is that true?”
Yes- but don’t go getting yourself all impressed over it. They literally give these things away to anyone, just as long as you promise not to ordaine anyone without their knowledge. I know. Weirdest rule ever.
“Are you a wedding planner?”
Dear God no, having half crazed brides take over my inbox is quite enough insanity for me. And would you really trust me with your wedding anyways? I'm clearly a disaster in real life. Remember what happened at the bridal shop? Let's avoid a repeat at all costs. If I end up under that bench again I just may stay there.
“Do you mail Christmas cards now that you’re married? Everyone says I should.”
Sure do. Every year I buy very fancy Christmas cards. I like the cards with lots of glitter and shiny things. And I like to use a black magic marker to write unspeakably rude and horrendous things in them before mailing them to my family and friends. I say things like, “I shit on your doorstep this morning” or “Have a happy effing Christmas you worthless bastard”, and then I sign them in the dog’s name to save myself any awkward moments over Christmas dinner.
I save them all in my car until I have an exceptionally crappy day at work- and then I take them to the post office to make my day better.
The cards have become wildly popular, and the dog’s hate mail list is now longer than my actual Christmas card list. I find them proudly displayed in people’s houses at holiday parties.
Either the population in general enjoys being insulted under the muse of a house pet- or I just happen to hang around a bunch of weirdos. Either way, I highly recommend trying it out on your own family. Even better if you own a fish or turtle or something. Get some cards and get nasty.
“I got a wedding invite with a registry on it for money. Can I take a marker to her paystubs? She’s a bitch anyways.”
This sounds like a wildly sticky situation already, which I ADORE. So you may destroy her person property but only if I may join you, and I’ll even bring my own marker. And a video camera.
There you have it- quick answers to quick questions. I mean honestly, with all the eggnog and what-not, none of you are really thinking about napkin colors and monograms right now anyways. We’ll handle the tricky stuff after we all sober up in the New Year.
Happy Holidays J