Among the emails I get from my blog, most are questions about how to write this or that or some other thing that will make its way into a mailbox. (Eventually I will answer those.)
But all of them end pretty much the same way- is your life always this ridiculous?
The short answer is… well yes my entire existence is a continuous cycle of unfortunate and comical events that could only happen in a low budget MTV movie. But usually not in the grand way that I write about- like contemplating life under a bench in a bridal store or threatening my dog with a chicken costume.
Usually, in any given day, everything goes pretty much as planned. I go to work, I go to school, I go home. But somewhere in there during the day, something stupid happens. And I mean seriously insanely stupid.
Anyone that sees me on a daily basis knows that I plan EVERYTHING. I use an old school planner and a pen and I write down every little thing that needs to happen in whatever given day, in hopes of keeping at least the illusion of control over my life.
For the most part, it’s a complete failure. So here I give you seven random days out of my planner- and the events that happened with them. Enjoy.
Friday, August 12: Mail out all the wedding crap to the resort
I take two giant boxes full of favors and napkins and really just an amazing array of worthless crap to the post office to mail out for my wedding. I decide that even though Friday is “jeans day” I will wear 5 inch heels with my jeans. As I stumble with my boxes into the post office by my office (also known as the middle of effing no where) and announce my intentions to mail giant boxes to another country, every postal worker in the office comes to see just what the hell is going on. Seeing as there are cows across the street… there were a total of three employees.
One takes the boxes. One opens up a very large instruction manual on international mailings. The third turns on what may be the very first computer ever created.
Two hours later, I leave with seriously screaming feet and a sneaking suspicion that my crap may end up in the Amazon.
Sunday August 14: Dinner with Jose
Jose and I decide to go out to dinner. I give myself strict instructions to be home and in bed by 11pm because I have many many things to do on Monday morning.
Jose and I decide to call friends to join us. Friends come and have drinks. We have more drinks. We laugh and talk and drink drink drink drink drink. So fun! So exciting! Yay! This night with never end!
And then I ask that most dangerous question that leads to regrettable decisions, public urination, and a general loss of inhabitions, morals, and any rational thought process.
Shots?
Monday August 15: 9am- pick up legal docs at the courthouse. Go early before it gets stupid busy.
At 9am I slam my alarm clock into the nearest wall and scream in languages that may or may not actually exist.
Two hours later, I wake up. I am convinced that I am dying, have already died, or will be dying very soon. I hug the toilet and curse at yesterday Jessica for not remembering that the day after drinks is not as easy as it used to be.
On the way to the courthouse I get pulled over for expired tags.
On the way home from the courthouse I wait in traffic for 45 minutes while watching a dog run down 695. Apparently he was in someones car and decided that today was the day, and he was getting the hell out.
Go dog go….
Tuesday, August 23: Just effing survive
My entire car starts bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean while I’m sitting in it at lunch. I am immediately angry as I really don’t have time for engine problems. I get out of the car to look at- well I really don’t know what I thought I was going to do. I’m not a damn mechanic. So anyways I get out of the car and… cheese and crackers it’s the freaking ground. I’m now standing/falling in a parking lot holding onto a Yaris while wearing a pencil skirt and stilettos in the middle of an earthquake.
Freaking brilliant.
Wednesday, August 24: Write thank you notes
I write all the thank you notes for all the nice things that people have sent. I go to the printer to print envelopes. The printer wants ink. Needy bitch.
I go to the store to buy ink. The printer does not like it. I download software to fix my ailing printer. No dice. I have an epiphany… and see myself 20 minutes later screaming obscenities at the printer while throwing it off my third floor balcony. I decide to give up while I’m ahead.
Thursday, August 25: Check USPS tracking for crap mailed to the resort.
I check the tracking numbers for my boxes and see that they are sitting in Florida because of the hurricane wrecking havoc on the Atlantic ocean. I call the postal service, who as a whole seem shockingly unconcerned with my boxes of useless crap and can offer no timeline for delivery other than "not today".
Stupid weather. Stupid boxes.
Grr.
Saturday, August 27: First day of class
It’s the first day of a new semester, and the first day of school never loses its charm. I have my new pens and pencils and calculator and backpack and all my books. Lots and lots of books in my backpack that threaten to topple me over in a strong gust of wind.
I get to my math class, and I pull out my books.
My anatomy and physiology books- also known as the books for the class that is NOT happening today.
So there you have it- lots of days, lots of stupid things.
It’s a miracle that I survived childhood.
No comments:
Post a Comment