When you start talking about getting married, you start talking about having babies. And oh baby, do I love babies!
They’re cute! They’re soft! They’re cuddly! And BONUS- I can send them back to their mommies when those diapers start to smell suspiciously stinky. Oh those little drops of heaven, who wouldn’t want one?
But now that the baby talk has a glimmer of seriousness behind it, I’m beginning to question my slightly (completely) outlandish parenting skills. While I’d like to say I’m in some hilarious state of panic over this completely nonexistent situation, I have to say that I frankly just don’t care. I’m like 97% sure that there are people out there who are way more dysfunctional than me popping out future criminals at a rate that puts bunnies to shame.
That being said, my future gremlins have a least a slight chance of becoming semi-functional members of society. It’s Jose. Let me explain by using our dogs as an example.
MEET THE DOGS
Scout
Big, fluffy, stupid. Ever loyal, scared of everything, extremely emotional. Inside that massive noggin of his are two brain cells viciously fighting to the death in a WWE-style cage match. He’s pretty much like the worst girlfriend you’ve ever had.
Sadie
Tiny, angry, evil. Cute as she is bad. Always aloof, hates everything. She’ll cuddle with you just long enough to make you think she likes you, and then she’ll fart on your bed. She’s exactly like that total douche bag you dated in college.
CRIME
No matter what the circumstances for whatever it is that Scout may be doing, he gets in trouble. Doesn’t matter if Satan, Hitler, and Sarah Palin are all at the front door- you better not bark. And so what if Jose left half a pizza in a semi-open box on the living room floor? No excuse- don’t even think about eating it. All crimes are equal in the book of Jose.
When Sadie does something wrong, my response is based solely on my anticipated need to actually do something about it. For example, I couldn’t possibly care less if Sadie bites Scout. He looks like a deranged Muppet character, he’s kind of a pain in the ass, and he probably deserved some chompers to the backside anyways. Bite away little lady.
But if she were to bite the creepy neighborhood guy that always knows EXACTLY when I’m coming home and eerily knows my name without me ever actually giving it to him…. Well then we have a problem. As happy as I’d be to witness my little monster take a hunk out of his cankels, (yes I said cankels) I would probably have to apologize profusely and deal with insurance claims and hospitals and…. Well that just sounds like a lot of unnecessary work. I hate work.
So I tend to discourage the biting of people, no matter how much I may enjoy it.
There are also seemingly bad behaviors that I not only condone, but I downright encourage.
Sometimes, just sometimes, that little hellion is just too much for even me to deal with. She screams like a banshee, she farts like an old man, and she likes to stare at me for hours on end. It’s disturbing. So when I’m ready to kick her fluffy tail I throw her in the car and take her to moms house. I hear that actual parents do this quite often, so that gives me a sliver of hope.
Sadie loves to go to moms house. She gets lots of snacks and attention, for a little while. But once all the excitement calms down, Sadie prepares her special gift for mom and dad. She sneaks away, up the stairs, into mom and dads room and, well...
she runs upstairs and she shits on the carpet.
Just drops a load right there inside the bedroom door.
It's painfully obvious when she’s done it because afterwards she comes barreling down the stairs with her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth like a cracked-out spider monkey and runs a few victory laps around the house. At this point in the production dad is shockingly still surprised that Sadie would ever crap in his bedroom. Mom ever so gently reminds dad that Sadie does this all the time and he should really. Really. Seriously. Close the $#@!*&% bedroom door.
Obviously this situation is just too delicious to let go of, the entertainment value is extraordinary. So I highly encourage Sadie’s carpet-crapping hobby at mom and dads house.
PUNISHMENT
All of Scouts punishments are exactly the same- go to your kennel. As much as Scout loves his little home, he hates being sent there involuntarily. While excruciatingly mundane, I have to say it is quite effective. Now when Scout barks at the door, he puts himself in his kennel for about 5 minutes as his own repentance.
Bark, run, sulk. Weird dog.
When Sadie does something that requires reprimanding, I’m left with very few options to get the job done. Smack her on the nose and she’ll pee on the carpet. Banish her to her kennel and she’ll scream like a banshee.
Never heard the Shiba Scream? Here’s a lovely example for you. I dare you to watch more than 10 seconds at full volume:
Painful, right? And totally not worth it.
So depending on how motivated I am to catch Sadie after she climbs on the coffee table to drink my iced tea, I may not do anything at all. Or…. I’ll embarrass the crap out of her.
Prideful little dogs require special treatment, so as punishment I force Sadie into ill-fitting dog clothes for my own amusement. And then I take pictures.
She's too embarrassed to scream and draw attention to herself, and if she pees then she's stuck in a wet chicken costume.
I win.
She's too embarrassed to scream and draw attention to herself, and if she pees then she's stuck in a wet chicken costume.
I win.
Think that’ll stop me?
Not a chance!
Oh my gosh - your dogs are too stinkin cute!! :) lol. My dog can be a little turd too - when he first met Trav's dad last year, he learned to go upstairs (because his dad was from out of town on vacation staying in our upstairs) and he pooped right on his pillow!! LOL. This year when he came to visit, Tatum actually jumped over the gate that we had blocking off from upstairs and he pooped right in front of his door! LOL. He is potty trained - so I don't know what his dealio is.
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